Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”

The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*

So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼

The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.

Well, this explains it:

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”

If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it

Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.

Guys, I found it.

How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

*paints car camouflage*

*stops making payments*

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

[at the bar]

Me: Let’s settle this like men

Him: *pulls out knife*

Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*

*phone rings*

Girlfriend: Hello.

Me: Hi, baby.

GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!

M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.

GF: No, you told me.

M:

GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?

M: Are they available?

We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead

Make me look younger

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?

other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?

scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours