@sween

When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”

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@dafloydsta

[knocks on your door 10 years later]
Were you flirting with me?

@doublewenis

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

@k_lli

It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.

@ArfMeasures

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

@AnecdtlBrthCtrl

3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.

@PaulGibson1963

The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.

@nataliejmooney

lying on the floor with my mouth open just in case someone breaks in and decides to grate a bunch of cheese in there

@markleggett

Eat for free at any restaurant by disguising yourself as a trash can.

@Mirimade

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

@T_N_Crumpets

Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10