[knocks on your door 10 years later]
Were you flirting with me?
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
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Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle
Waiter: One ketchup coming up
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
lying on the floor with my mouth open just in case someone breaks in and decides to grate a bunch of cheese in there
Eat for free at any restaurant by disguising yourself as a trash can.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10