Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.

Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now

Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night

Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.

Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk

Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism

Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor

the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario

My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.

In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

That’s it.I’m out.

[at a restaurant]

me: i think i misread your tinder bio

squirtle: squirtle.