When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
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When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
adam and eve had first world problems
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Young Sheldon
Sheldon
Elder Sheldon
Sheldon on Death’s Door
ETERNAL SHELDON OF THE THIRTEEN REALMS
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Basically, any European coat of arms:
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…