Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off

Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]

My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.

gm

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

My ex left because I “lack imagination”.

“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.

Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*

5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?

My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?

Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕

Pac-Man: again?

Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one

Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there

him: you any good at throwing axes

me: just call me lizzie borden

Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.

I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney

me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it

My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺