“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
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I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
