“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
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The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
This meeting could have been a cake
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.