Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute

[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up

Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…

I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.

A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out

MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”

my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.

[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*

What do we want?!

A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!

When do we want it?!

NOW!

“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”

Believe me, I looked.

But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…

yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away