Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.

I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]

khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub

He’s like the ocean

Deep and dirty

at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies

Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.

my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued

Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above

I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.