Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.

My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?

THIS GUY!

* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.

*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live

#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther

Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!

7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.

Nobody puts baby in a corndog.

“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”

the bartender:

MUGGER: Empty your pockets!

ME: But these are cargo shorts.

(45 min later)

ME: That’s the left one

MUGGER: Seriously.

ME: I am SO sorry

ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.

The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.

Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed

Yankee Candle: Please leave

Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?

ME: That’s right.

INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.

banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000

me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok

It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.

It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too