Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
When I’m drinking don’t worry about taking my car keys.
Just hide my phone.
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Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
[loudly so dad who’s been depressed since mom left can hear]
Oh no, my GPS broke! If only I had some good DRIVING DIRECTIONS
*dad looks up*
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
I bet the guy who invented falling asleep was totally like “Oh no! I died! Hey, wait a minute…”
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
My dog is such a narcissist she’ll only fetch selfie sticks.