When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
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Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
You’ll be OK
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied