@Sanbel11

When I’m drinking don’t worry about taking my car keys.
Just hide my phone.

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@TasiaBass28

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

@LoveNLunchmeat

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.

@tiemoose

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

@jazmasta

[loudly so dad who’s been depressed since mom left can hear]
Oh no, my GPS broke! If only I had some good DRIVING DIRECTIONS
*dad looks up*

@LostCatDog

You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.

@Bob_Janke

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

@ninetek

I bet the guy who invented falling asleep was totally like “Oh no! I died! Hey, wait a minute…”

@Social_Mime

My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.

@msdanifernandez

*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.