When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
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genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I hope you folks are recycling correctly
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.