When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like
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Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
you’re so productive for your wage
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
