When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like
You Might Also Like
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not