When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like
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my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
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All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too