when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
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This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”