Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

me: uhhh what did you do?

9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

Proctologist = Analyst

H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.

Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!

Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another

When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.

Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.

No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.

[movie studio in the 2010s]

“This script stars The Rock as-”

Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.

Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

a test & 10-day waiting period before you can use an apostrophe

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

Rich People Podcasts are wild.