When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
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Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine
I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
What about second breakfast?
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early