Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

Where’s my cell?

“Right there.”

That’s not my phone.

“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”

My cell’s white?

I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.

We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.

Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.

that lip filler tho

On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!

Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not

Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?

[to serial killer]

WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!

*killing intensifies*

If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room

Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?

Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

[Bear attack]

Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.

Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!

SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.

“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”

Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.

Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…

My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.

Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is

As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??

maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you