Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.

When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

There is no “we” in chocolate.

Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.

Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.

Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place

DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

“Time is of the essence”

Twitter: Hahaha nope

Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?

*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*

🤣😂

Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”

Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic

Worm: wait we’re eating what

cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume

me: is there a law against it?

cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession

Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.

*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*

Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.

#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes

At a doctor appointment:

“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”

HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!

Inventor of beer: This will change the world.

Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]

my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.