When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
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Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
why am I working on Labor Day
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.
Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?