Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here

Ah..makes sense now

If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

Me: “Dear God…just leave me here. Bury me right here, or charter a crane to lift me home. I can’t move. My pants. Sweet Angel of Merciful Death, I am ready.”

*Pies are brought to the table.*

Me: “We have Cool Whip or something to go with this orrr…?”

Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?

-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?

ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’

*priest slowly backs away*

Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?

“Yes, everyone.”

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC

Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate

me: I want you to be you but also all mine

pizza: [cheesing seductively]

The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.

my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”

My tenant and his wife got into a huge fight last week and filed for divorce. He said “I’m bringing her Christmas gift back” then proceeded to drag a WRAPPED mop out the door and now I want to know more about this fight.

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs