When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
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“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*