When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
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What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?
“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
oh my god
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.