Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??

Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.

Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.

Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.

Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.

There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.

no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.

Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…

Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?

my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps

Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?

Me: just a little boo boo.

Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?

Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”

Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.

Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

*gets up off bed*

*puts pants back on*

Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?

[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?

BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho

MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal

I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.

Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.

“Things. We did things”

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.