Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]

Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.

6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?

Me:

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

Them: You have a debt to society

Me: Well they can get in line

You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.

Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.

As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.

King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.

Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix

me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR

Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.

Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones

Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas

Him: You’re unbelievable!

Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?

I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings