When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
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I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
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HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.