When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
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The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
phew
I’m Sold!
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can