When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
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Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
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Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot