Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.

Atheists are Popeless romantics.

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time

*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*

she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps

prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago

That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.

well well well, if it isn’t the holiday weight i said i wouldn’t have to worry about

Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!

things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton

When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?

Thinking of having kids?

Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.

You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.

even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!

“What’ll it be?”

[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan

Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?

Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”

Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.

I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.

Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.

This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.