Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe

“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.

I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”

The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok

The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.

My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*

A 27yo asked me to come home with him!

I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!

mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.

me choking on my own saliva for no reason.

When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.

[shopping]

My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!

Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

“I want frog legs.”

-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”