Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.

My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.

the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.

*brings nachos to your exorcism*

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!

Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛

If only.

Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.

Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?

Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body

[first time skydiving]

me: oh no my charcuterie board

[reading bedtime stories]

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: spot.

Daughter: what’s her name?

Me: daisy.

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.

Wife: what are you reading?

Me: 101 Dalmatians.

Wife: lol [closes door].

Daughter: what’s his na-

Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.

just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real

I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.

It’s either sink or swim.

#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’

When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.

My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.

[nail salon]

Excuse me, do you do filing here?

“Yes of course we do!”

Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”