When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
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I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
Rooting for the overdog
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded