When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
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*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse