When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
You Might Also Like
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Bond. Trauma bond.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.