When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
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step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
LMAO
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.