Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I say: hold on with two hands

What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none

How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.

DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*

wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you

Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.

judge: please, rephrase the question

yoda lawyer:

Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.

Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”

Me: “Bet.”

Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles

I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)

I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox

I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me

[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

Vampire: How did you find me?!

Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back

Vampire: So it was a stakeout

Me: lmao

Vampire: lmaoooo

My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

(by @ZachWeiner )

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?

That’s me, looking for hotdogs.

As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.

Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.

*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*

Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work

Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked

Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!