when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
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“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks