Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.

I’ve never related to anyone less.

My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

finally found a reasonable question

Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway

Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.

Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.

I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.

Only God can judge me.

*gets hit by lightning*

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished

Me: yes, I do!

Wife: do the laundry

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it

How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.

I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.

I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair