Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“dress for the job you want”

There’s a job you want???

[at restaurant]

Table for two please.

“Do you have reservations?”

Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

Have a nice day 🙂

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—

CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit

Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…

[First date stroll in the park]

Me: So you work at the planetarium?

Date: Yeah.

Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?

Date: The sun.

dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it

Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.

Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”

Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!

Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.

Me: Dammit.

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.

*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

Her : You hang up first.

Me : *click*

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.

My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.

School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”

I am embarrassed for myself.

My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.