Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

“just sayin” who asked you though?

I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.

The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring

My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.

Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this

Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius

I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”

Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.

girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.

Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.

BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.