Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome

[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.

big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing

financial freedom is alive and well

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.

Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario

Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!

In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law

I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no

3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤

“Can I copy your homework?”

“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”

“Ok.”

Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.

*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!

funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!

*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”

Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.

My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.

Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom

-Jurassic period Grindr

Me: *winks*

Him: *googles signs of a stroke*

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day