Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

Guy: [pulls out knife]

Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel

Guy: [stabs me]

Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.

I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants

*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.

OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!

ME: Thanks I could really use the help

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1623566068160626688/pu/vid/640x352/aaEaqpVdYBEe2lqo.mp4?tag=12

When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?

Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.

me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me

*first date*

Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.

My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*

ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness

STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no

Just got to our Airbnb!

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”

UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!