@Loli_Sug

When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.

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@SkinnerSteven

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that

@joe_binkley

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.

@eeethanford

[awesome life of caterpillar]
1) all I do is eat, awesome
2) time to sleep in this cozy bag, awesome
3) *wakes up*OMG I CAN FLY NOW, AWESOME

@unravelingfire

People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.

@n_brayshaw

tried on a bra in Primark & it was nice so I went to buy it but there was no tag so the guy went to find a supervisor to get a code, comes back & goes “this isn’t ours, it’s a swap” so someone has literally left THEIR OWN BRA on a hanger in order to shoplift one AND I TRIED IT ON

@evofck

My roommate wouldn’t let me name our wireless network ‘Bill Wi the Science Fi’ because he has no sense of humor.

@SteveMartinToGo

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.

@TheBoydP

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal