When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
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There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
LOL!
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
My life coach traded me.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos