When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
You Might Also Like
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”