Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?

If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.

The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.

Oh wait I made them too.

Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…

Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11

Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?

That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.

That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea

My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”

I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.

My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.

You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.

I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.

Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.

Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge

Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!

Me: Please dont

Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins

Me: This is never flattering please just shut up

Friend: Look, I took a picture

Me: Man this is an old tire full of water

Friend: You guys are identical!

Tired of actually helping? Try prayer

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.

It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.

virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤

coronavirus: i got this

[later]

virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?

coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel