Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs

Sounds like I’m eating water and air today

Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.

This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”

“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”

NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!

:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

Mom: Did you dye your hair?

* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *

How did you know?

Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”

Word!

Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..

“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich

I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.

Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.

*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf

What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?

me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi

i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.

Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.

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