When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
You Might Also Like
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Google assistant rules
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
This is me 🤣🤣
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]