When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
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Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?
…Anybody?
Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs