Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.

Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.

My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.

I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.

My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died

me: yeah ok

It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.

John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense

Me: So where’s all the security?

John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

Yo. I spit out my drink 😂

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend

When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past