When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
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Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.