Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.

Updating my dating profile….

My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.

Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.

My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain

Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”

normalize having existential bread

I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.

Ovenable?

It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.

My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.

1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.

Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.