When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
You Might Also Like
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.