Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

oh no, steve’s working tonight

I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?

Therapist: have you tried meditation?

Me: sure, sometimes when the kids scream my mind goes blank and I float above my body

Therapist: that’s dissociation

Me: potato, potato

There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?

I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”

*gets into any creepy van*

*Gets kicked out*

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done

[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁

God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.

Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.

How do stick men play fetch with their dog?

It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.

I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.

God I hate condescending assholes!

(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)

GF: What’s my biggest flaw?

ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you

GF: No come on, I mean pacifically

ME: We should split up

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]