Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference

me: perfect tell me all about it

receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: i get everyone fired

ex professor: what wait no

him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.

The symmetry is uncanny.

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻

*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*

“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”

-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets

Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.

My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water

Checkmate, Allegiant

*reads your mind*

*decides to wait for the movie*

Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?

Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.

omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face

drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.

Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.