When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
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“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
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ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers