Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: what’s your sign

chef: spisces

*goes to hell

Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?

Have donuts and coffee, will travel.

@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

*aggressively waits in line*

Going back in time, y’all need anything?

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators

A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

B: You mean a choir?

A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s

priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]

Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?

The first one, obviously

It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.

Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.

People underestimate the Pacific.

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people

Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”