When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
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[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.