Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.

HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!

Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale

hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan

Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…

Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…

Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?

Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck

5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.

Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries

Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.

Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.

Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.

T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

[company all-hands Zoom call]

CEO: The future is ahead of us!

Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.

If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention

Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”

I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.

OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?

(knock, knock)

He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!

*My pizza delivery guy.

Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.

Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?

Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?

Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…