Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME

why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.

I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?

I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus

There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.

I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do

“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”

Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

Why are bridges so flammable.

If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.

[restaurant]

DATE: [clears throat]

ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?

[FIRST DATE]

Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too

Overheard This Weekend

Boy: Babe comes over to my place.

Gal: what do you want us to do?

Boy: Just to chill

Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!

[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!

Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can

Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?

Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*