When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
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I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary