When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
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My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
O Wise One….
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
As the Lord intended
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Carpe DM
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !