When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
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Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
no exceptions
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Artwork by Herta Burbe
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Perfection.
My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.