Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

never signed up for a 401k cuz there’s no way in hell i can run that far

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married

“I missed you today.”

“Awwww I missed you too.”

*both frantically reload dueling pistols*

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.

One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.

I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”

The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.

[my first day as a bartender]

Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke

Me: Is Pepsi ok?

Customer: Sure

Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up

Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

At least my masseuse has my back.

*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?

My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.

She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.

Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day