When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
You Might Also Like
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
You can’t rush stupid.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming