When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
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Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
You better wish for more oil
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
black phone good
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.