When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
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When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
When my husband asks if he can get something out of my purse, I have to give him full-on GPS instructions: “It’s in the main compartment, to the right of the trail mix. And if you even look at my trail mix, I swear…”
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Them: You should try keto
Me:
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER