When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
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What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Best table by far
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*