When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
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Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
*sewing*
A thread
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.