Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: we argue a lot about money

Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-

Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.

Seems kinda suspicious

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.

“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.

Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism

my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying

For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back

[ark]

SHEM:It’s full

NOAH:Full?

SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space

NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.

0/10 stars, would not recommend.”

– Super Mario Bros. Online review

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.

What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”

16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.

Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE

the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”

Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”