When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
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yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
