Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally

[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful

Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?

Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*

I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on

All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself

– playing “Is it cake? –

Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”

[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]

Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.

*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.

My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship

Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions

Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.

so much to do

The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.

Got my shingles shot. Just to be safe, I got one against vinyl siding too.

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”

KID: *goes kicking and screaming*

TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight

ADULT: Thank you so much

3: Please move

Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English

3: Woof Woof

“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: omg, me too

So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.

She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,

I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”

[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit

“To each their own”

Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.