When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
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Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
i think both sides are to blame here
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up